The Truth about Me

6 Aug

Dear Blog, I have a confession.

I know I have been neglecting you recently but I have something to say. I’m ashamed to admit it and have tried to put it off ever since I met you. I didn’t want to tell you then because we were a new relationship and I was just getting to know you. I was meaning to tell you at the beginning but I got carried away with the excitement, the new experiences and meeting all your other bloggers. We shared laughter and tears, I liked some posts and was not struck on others.

Every evening I would want to tell you what I really, really thought but you’re positive nature kind of rubbed off on me. For a while I was happy meeting you and telling you about my home baked cakes, my daily observations and sharing some poems. I just wanted to belong and be part of your wider community.

As I said, I got carried away and although I enjoyed the experience, I felt there was a certain lack of honesty on my behalf.

So, dear blog. I have decided to tell you now what I have been meaning to say for months but have been putting it off. So, allow me to say, before it’s too late, that I am UNEMPLOYED.

There. I’ve said it. That is my confession.

I know its not a big deal to you but to me, it means everything.

I lost my job 2.5 years ago after working in the care sector for 14 years. I was, according to friends and colleagues, one of the best or good ones. I’m not proud. I lost my job in 2010. 10 months after I lost my beloved mum. Two years prior to that, I lost my dad. I hit rock bottom. I was lost and my soul destroyed.

I tried to remain strong, upbeat, optimistic and positive. But inside, I was dying, crying, breaking and losing my mind.

Not only had I lost things that I loved, I lost my way. I know for some people, getting a job is easy and a way forward. For me, it’s been an obstacle. I can’t seem to move forward at all. I am breaking inside and everyday I smile, but the frustration is killing me.

I was hoping, dear, dear blog, you would help me to overcome my fears, anxieties, feelings of depression and isolation. I was hoping that you could be a way forward and help me to be discovered. I realise now that the expectation did not fulfil my wants, desires or needs to be discovered.

I have tried so hard to be strong, tried to overcome my suicidal thoughts and feelings of loneliness, I can’t express how the dark thoughts and dreams fill me with dread. Nay, not dreams but nightmares. It’s been a long, long time and I can feel my inside welling up with supressed air. The oxygen wants to break…I can feel the tears stinging  my eyes. I am a lost cause and I feel as if I’m drowning.

My creative juices are drying up and my mind is full of blanks. I hate the way I’m living and I can’t hear any thanks…

It came to a head the other day, when I was on the phone to the energy suppliers. I said I couldn’t afford to pay the monthly instalments. They offed me advice and put me through to financial assistance. I’m now considered to be in the fuel poverty category.

I laugh. I mean, can you believe it? Me, not being able to pay my bills, Fuel poverty,,,It saddens me to think how my life was, to how it is now. I used to treat friends, pay for meals, buy new clothes, buy eau de toilette as a special treat to myself on a regular basis, pay cash for holidays, have small dinner parties and gatherings. I was a true consumer but, as my mum used to say, you’ve worked hard, so you need to treat yourself…

You’re so altruistic a friend said to me one day. I don’t mind I said in return. I like to give to others who are less fortunate then myself. I like it that way.

And where has it got me today? Where has being caring, sharing and thoughtful got me!??

Now it’s just me and my partner looking out for ourselves. We feed the neighbours cat. Plus one stray and I’m on “unofficial gardening leave”. I’m in the garden everyday tending to the plants, digging out weeds, removing dead leaves…

We are learning to put ourselves first. I’ve stopped thinking about other people. Do I really care? Do I!? Oh my god. It hurts and only you know now, dear blog. That my life isn’t all hunky dory, tickety boo.

The Learned Kat

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